track 03: always

Where am I currently?

Sitting on my front patio at the Treetop Bungalows in Siem Reap, Cambodia. It is such a cute little space surrounded with beautiful greenery (you know how much I love plants…). It’s tucked away in a small village about a 30 minute walk away from the main area in Siem Reap. 

You have your own space, but it’s also very communal as well. There’s a shared kitchen space that most of the guests will hang out at. I can’t say that I’ve partaken in any of it, but I do feel at ease overhearing faint late night conversations through my front sliding door as I work the night away.

What’s on your mind today?

So many things. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get all of these thoughts out of my head in today’s little blog sesh. 

For one - I love Cambodia. Siem Reap is very small in comparison of what I dreamt up of it in my mind, but at the same time it does not disappoint. I found that the people are incredibly welcoming and friendly - from the getgo - the immigration officer, the people working at the airport, my tuk tuk driver, the women running the street food carts - everyone has welcomed me with a smile and kindness. In many ways, Cambodia reminds me more of the Philippines than Vietnam did (although - Vietnam did strike some cords and was still reminiscent of home). 

The little area that I’m staying in is very much its own little community. I think we’re right next to some place of worship because the day I got here (which happened to be Easter) there were prayers going on the entire day over an incredibly loud microphone. I surprisingly did not mind that much. I think there’s also a school nearby, so I often see children on their bikes playing in the middle of the dirt roads. 

This village reminds me a lot of where my mom comes from in the Philippines - Alitagtag. I remember very vaguely (as it's been 23 years since I’ve been back home) that it was definitely a small, underdeveloped village. It was my first experience ever having to shower with a tabu and a bucket of cold water. If I wanted a warm shower, the water had to be boiled before my bath. I also remember being stared at a lot from the kids that lived in the area. But, it was so much fun being a kid at the time and making friends with the other kids. I remember at the time we were able to visit one of the schools because (I think) I had a cousin that was a teacher there. Now looking back, what an incredible experience that was to witness a school day in the life of one of the kids out there. 

So, with that being said, these past couple of days have actually been kind of emotional in a very unexpected way. I often see these little girls playing out in the street, and I can’t help but think - holy shit… you look so much like me when I was younger. I look at them and see myself in them in a past life. I look at them and think that this could’ve very well been me had my parents not decided to uproot their lives and settle in the US. 

I can’t help but think of the movie Everything, Everywhere, All At Once. At some point in the movie, they talk about how every decision you make opens up an alternate universe and a different version of yourself is lived through that decision. The reality is that I am a living result of my parents’ individual decision to uproot their lives and move to America.

My parents didn’t meet until they got to the US. But, I know that they both moved in hopes to find and make a better life. Little did they know that they traded in a peaceful life for a much harder one - one that some would even say (and some being me) is more draining of your soul and overall well being. I know that my parents worked very hard to give my brother and I the life that we have now. 

And my childhood was by no means easy or perfect…we lived in a crowded household with my Aunt & Uncle for awhile, and then we moved into our own apartment in good ‘ole Westmont, Illinois. We often struggled to make ends meet, didn’t always have groceries in the house. I often wore my brother’s hand me down clothes because in retrospect, I don’t think we could afford to buy myself girl clothes? Which is actually crazy to think about because for a very long time I identified my younger years as being tomboy-like. I often dressed like a boy, and I spent a lot of time with my brother and my guy cousins. 

Anyway - got sidetracked. I’ve been waiting for the revelation to unfold as to why I’m here - doing this solo trip in Southeast Asia. I know there's a reason for it. What I will say so far is that it has brought on perspective of how fortunate I am. What I’ve really been thinking about lately is that for a time I was just SO caught up in my failed engagement, canceling my wedding, toxic work cycles, what people thought of me, being broke… all of these things that corrupted my mind into a repeated state of depression - and now being here, those things feel so distant, so temporary. 

I think sometimes when you’re in a severely depressive state, you really don’t feel like you’ll ever come out of that. I sure as hell felt that way. I felt like I could just never see the light at the end of the tunnel. It felt daunting and consuming, and it was extremely discouraging. But - little by little, I worked on different things to pull myself out of that state. There’s this story that I keep hearing about some kid and a horse (I honestly don’t even know if this is correct), but the kid feels so discouraged that he can’t see when the fog ends, and the horse says “can you see your next step?” and the boy replies, “yes”, and he says “then just focus on that”. 

So…all I did was focus on the next step… for me it was just the next day, and overtime. I got myself here - sitting on this cute ass fucking outdoor patio in the middle of Cambodia during the week of the Cambodian New Year. I’d like to say I don’t know how the fuck I got here, but in reality, I know exactly how I did and I remember each and every small step I took.