track 04: promises

Where are we? 

Physically? At a cafe called Temple in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. It happens to be 24 hours, which I wish I would’ve known during my work week - would’ve been nice to get outside of the Airbnb I was staying in to do some work elsewhere. That is something that I do miss - working during normal hours. I can’t say that it’s common to find coffee shops that are open from the hours of 10pm - 3am. 

Mentally and emotionally? Coming out of a 2 week deep self-reflective state of mind. [[big fucking sigh]] I guess this whole trip has been reflective, but I guess what has changed is that sometimes you have to take those things that you’re reflecting upon and actually integrate them into real life. The changes that you know you need to make about yourself? Yeah, well apparently they can’t just stay in your thoughts or remain written in your journal if you want to improve your quality of life. 

Care to elaborate? 

No, not really. But, I’ll try my best. 

In the simplest terms - there’s been an upheaval within my soul these past couple of years. I think that big things happen to you that in turn cause you to really evaluate if this is how you want your life to turn out. Are you just gonna roll over and let life fuck you, or are you gonna fight back and make the changes that you need to make - or rather do the deep inner work to discover what is unsettled in your soul - break the patterns that keep you in this cycle of unhappiness that have you believing that you’re not worthy of the life you desire. 

I sit here thinking about where I can even begin to explain what I mean by all of this? There’s just so much that has happened that is so tied into other experiences. It feels overwhelming trying to put my thoughts in the most organized way possible for the reader (you) to make sense of it all.

I guess I’ll start working though what is freshest in my mind. 

I’ve been going through a break up of some sorts. (I also couldn’t understand why my last blog post song choice was Always, but now it makes sense). No, there was never an official title, and the whole experience was masked as “two people just enjoying each other’s company”...we were “just seeing where it goes”, but I can tell you that for me - it was much deeper than that.

For one, it’s already hard for me to connect with people to begin with. I understand that I am still a very guarded individual, so when I actually connect with people on a deep level - it actually catches me by surprise. But, it also puts me at a disadvantage because I start to put this other person on a pedestal because of the mere fact that it is so rare that I can actually find people that I truly connect with authentically (get to this issue later). So - the idea of putting this person on a pedestal and not seeing them as my equal creates an uneven balance in the dynamic. I find myself investing more than I would like, but, I also can’t even help myself. I have the tendency to get lost when it comes to love. Who doesn’t? The brief periods of feeling truly seen by another human being are enough to hold me over for a lifetime (or, so I used to think.)

About the issue of not being to find people that I connect with authentically - I also play my own part in this. I think for a long time that I have not been authentic with myself - so how could I have made authentic relationships without really knowing who I was, what I believed in, or what my values were, etc. 

The hardest part of living authentically, as a former people pleaser, is knowing that you will not be for everyone. It can almost be hurtful at times - to spend so much time uncovering who you actually are and showing people that - only to find that it’s not an actual match (whether this be romantically or through friendships). But, although you may not be for everyone, you will still be for someone..it’s just the wait that sucks. To find your people. 

What will also happen once you start living authentically as you is that you’ll find that you’ve just outgrown some friendships. The people that have always been in your life will be so attached to the person that you’ve always been, that when you change - it’s hard for them to recognize that, accept it, and also support that growth. And the hard truth about this is that these people will hold you back because they will continue to try and associate you with who you used to be when you are living in a completely new reality. Not all friendships will do this, you will still find people who support the growth because they recognize that they too are also experiencing growth. These are the people that I continue to carry with me throughout this journey.

I’m getting away from the point of this breakup (but as you can see I’m unpacking things in all areas of my life). 

Without getting into the nitty gritty of it all, what I’ve come to learn from this is that love isn’t enough, being a good person is not enough. You must determine what your values are and see if those match up as well. You need to also be able to thoroughly communicate your needs and not be afraid to speak your mind, especially when it comes to your feelings - regardless of a lack of title, or regardless if this person is telling you that they are openly dating other people, or if things are “not serious yet”. Speak now or forever hold your peace - but holding your peace will then lead to built up resentment, which will eventually implode out of you. So, take my advice by speaking up on your feelings when you first initially feel them, because…it may come out way uglier after bottling it up for x amount of time. 

Aside from that is the fact that you are entitled to state when your feelings are hurt; you are entitled to speak up and say when things are not okay with you. 

I have a fear of speaking up on my needs within relationships because I’m afraid if I do that people will leave, or I’ll come off as clingy, too needy, too controlling. But, every time you don’t speak up on your needs - you betray yourself. You are subconsciously telling yourself that you are not worthy of having your needs met, and that you are not worthy of a relationship that makes you feel seen and heard. If you voice your needs, and they leave, let them. They were never meant for you in the first place. The right people will listen and understand where your needs are coming from, and they’ll course correct their behavior, or they’ll help to come up with a solution. That’s how you can tell if a person is really for you. 

All in all, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were just two people who were doing what we thought was best at that moment. But, I do realize now that he was part of a cycle that I needed to break. I hate that it had to end the way that it did, but I also know that it had to end. I regret that I hurt his feelings in the words that were exchanged, but I don’t regret speaking up for myself and speaking my truth and I know that this is finally something I will not compromise moving forward. 

To close out, I wanted to share this excerpt from the book

The Mountain Is You by Briana West.

What isn’t right for you will never remain in your life. 

There is no job, person, or city 

that you can force to be right for you if it’s not. 

Though, you can pretend for a while, 

you can play games with yourself, 

you can justify and make ultimatums. 

You can say you’ll try just a little longer, 

and you can make excuses for 

why things aren’t working out right now. 

The truth is what is right for you 

will come to you and stay with you, 

and won’t stray from you for long. 

The truth is when something is right for you, 

it will bring you clarity. 

When something is wrong for you, 

it brings you confusion. 

You get stuck when you try to make 

something that’s wrong for you right. 

When you try to force it into a place 

in your life in which it does not belong, 

you get split, you breed this internal conflict

in which you cannot resolve. 

The more it intensifies, 

the more you mistake it as passion. 

How could you ever feel so strongly about something that isn’t right for you?