track 06: golden

Where are we today?

Home. 

Back in the US?

No, not exactly. Back home in the Philippines. Touched down in Manila on Sunday and I’ve been here for a week now. Currently staying at my Ate Irene’s place in Quezon City. 

I’ve been thinking about how when I was younger, my parents & all of my Aunts & Uncles always referred to the Philippines as back “home”. I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea of home. I had a similar feeling when it came to living in LA. I never really referred to Los Angeles as my “home”. In a way, I always knew that LA was temporary. At the time, Chicago was still home to me. But, as I’ve been traveling through Southeast Asia, this one question has been inevitably been popping up periodically - when am I coming “home”?

It struck an entire debate within myself about where home exactly is. Because, Chicago no longer feels like home to me, and it hasn’t in quite some time. It just felt more like home than Los Angeles ever did. (No shade to LA - I genuinely and thoroughly enjoyed my last few years in the city, but again, I always knew that it would never be my permanent home.) Of course, my childhood and college friends, as well as my family, are mostly based in the Midwest still, and this will always be the reason I return. But, the reality is that my life no longer aligns with being there.

So, back to this idea of home.

What I’ve really come to understand is that home is where you make it. Not to get all deep (actually scratch that, yes, to get all deep because this is just a part of who I am), but home is a place of comfort. It’s your safe zone, your sanctuary, your safe haven, and sometimes it’s found in a place, it’s a person, or a community. I’ve been reflecting a lot about where, who, and what makes me feel safe - and to be honest, I am the only person that can make myself feel safe in a world with people that have often made me feel very unsafe - physically, emotionally, spiritually (side note: I am sincerely hoping that I am on track to change this perspective on life). So - I’ve learned to cultivate my own home, my own safe space - wherever I choose to be. It’s not about where my material things are (I mean, I barely have any material things left to my name), or where the people I love are - I’ve been separated from the people I love for the past 10 years and have proven still that those relationships can still be maintained. 

Moral of the story - returning home, I guess in all the existential ways, is mostly about returning home to myself at the end of the day - which I think I’ve finally done.  

So, then why did you refer to the Philippines as home in the beginning?

Because in the same ways that my parents have always referred to the Philippines as back home - this is also my home too. It’s in my blood. It’s a part of who I am regardless of where I was raised. It’s the very reason that I can step back into this country after 23 years, and feel more at home here than I ever did in any US city.