track 05: green tea & honey

Where are we? 

Currently at Bangkok Don Mueang International Airport, on a layover to Phuket, coming from Chiang Mai. 

How are we feeling?

Tired, but good. This past week I met up with a longtime friend, Nancy - who has been solo traveling for the last couple years. It was nice to have some company after 2 months of solo travel. It’s been helpful to get a little more outside of my head and into the present moment. 

Although I love my solitude, I do recognize that I often stay in this state of deep reflection and analysis. Now, I don’t really think that it's necessarily a bad thing, but in moderation. I think it’s important to get an understanding of who you are and why you react and respond to things in the way you do - but, I also think at some point… you really need to move out of “hermit mode” (as us Tarot readers would refer to), and start putting everything that you’ve been learning into play - into your real life. Like, the Universe is saying “okay, so you’re sure of yourself? Well, show me.”

Reintegration 

So, wtf do I mean by this? Well, for the past couple years I’ve kept a lot to myself. I think that there was a time where I felt very misunderstood. I was deeply affected by the words and opinions of me formulated by people that didn’t even really know me. I guess, I was also caught by surprise at the lack of defense from family and “friends” (which turned out to be not my friends actually). 

So, what did I do? 

I hid from the world. At first it was done in shame, feeling like I may have been in the wrong, and that maybe the things said about me had some truth to it. But, as I self-isolated, I started to really determine who I was, what my values were, & rediscover what my character had always reflected. 

I think it’s normal to forget who we really are. Life gets away from us. We get consumed with all the superficial bullshit that America has to offer. You get caught up in the crowd and stray further and further away from your own thoughts and beliefs. At least, that’s what happened for me. 

So, at the age of 32, I figured out that I really didn’t know who the fuck I really was. Which makes it much more understandable to maybe believe the words others were saying about me. I didn’t know what I liked to do in my spare time (since I barely got any of it), I didn’t know what my favorite food was, or what my particular taste in music was. I’ve always been a “whatever works” or “anything is fine” type of girl. Little did I know that I wasn’t being the “chill girl”, but this was more so speaking to my people pleasing tendencies. 

Here’s what I came to figure out - I like doing simple things. Like - going to a park, laying out a blanket and reading a book. I love slow mornings - meditating, getting a good workout in, making myself breakfast and ending with a cup of coffee or tea. I also love to fucking rollerblade - which makes sense since I used to love it when I was little.  I love flowers, plants, and sunlight. I love to learn new things and discover new places. I also love r&b music - I always have. Sitting in my (ex-)apartment and putting on a record was one of my favorite pastimes which is so reminiscent of me coming from Jr High and listening to the radio, often trying to translate the lyrics of every song I heard. In those days, you didn’t have Genius.com or the internet to provide the lyrics for you. You had to rely on your ears, or from the album notes provided with the CD/cassette tape. 

I came to understand that I valued respect (especially in terms of respect for women), kindness, gratitude, loyalty, and honesty. 

I think once you figure out who you are and what you stand for, you get to control the true narrative about yourself - whether that’s coming from family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc. I eventually was able to get myself to a point where I knew that if it took this much work to really get to know myself, that there was no way that I could ever take the things said about me by others into consideration - how would you know? Have you lived in my brain day in and day out? No, so stfu. 

So, where am I getting at with all of this?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know myself these past couple of years, and I finally feel ready to reintegrate into the world. I’m ready for the Universe to test my values and see if I’ll be the person that I say that I am. I’m saying that I’m not the person I once was, although she will always be a part of me and I will forever be grateful for the things she had to endure to get me to this stage in my life. I’m saying that I want to just live life and be me, authentically me, so that I can finally find the people that connect to the person I really am. & if that means losing people that aren’t really for this new version of me in the process, so be it. Letting go only means making space for the people and experiences that are meant for me in this next phase of my life.