track 10: big mike’s - dijon

Where are we and how are we today?

Sitting at Coffee Stroll in Siargao, having just escaped Typhoon Carina (can’t say that Pops was too happy about me flying out of Manila during a rainstorm - sorry, Dad - but, when have I ever listened?) 

I’m here only for a few days for a friend’s birthday, but haven’t really decided if I will be extending for a longer period of time. I’m down to exactly 4 weeks before I head stateside, and honestly, I think I just want to spend my remaining time enjoying the stability I’ve created in Manila before jumping back into the nomad life. 

So - HOW are we doing? 

Per usual - my emotions are all over the place. (Maybe this is just normal life for me?)

Ahhhhhhh. I have so many feels about leaving Manila, coming back to the US, and what my schedule will be like for the next 3 months or so. Will be landing in Chicago where I’ll stay most of the time - transferring between the burbs, downtown, and also heading to Milwaukee in between. Then, headed to Tennessee for a friend’s wedding, and shortly after will be in New York for work, and finally ending my trip in Los Angeles to celebrate Kingsley’s 11th birthday before heading back to Manila come November. 

November sounds so far away, but I already know that time is gonna fly. Time has been going by so fast lately. Is that what it feels like when you’re actually enjoying life? 

I realize that the last time I wrote was nearly 6 months ago. How do I give you the short version of what life has been like these past 6 months. The short version would be “I’ve really just been boxing, dancing, working out, making friends, and going to the park.” But, in all seriousness, that really is all I’ve been doing - some travel here and there too. 

If there’s anything that I really learned in Los Angeles, it was really appreciating the mundane in life. I think that when I was just in a really bad spot mentally, I really had to resort to finding joy and gratitude in the small things. Ironically enough - that shit really works, and it really has turned into a lifestyle. I think when I start to slip and feel myself getting back into a bad mental space, I try to look at where in my day-to-day life is unbalanced. Usually the root of the problem lies there. 

Early this year - I was too invested in physical activity that I barely made space or energy for a social life. Honestly, all I really wanted to do was workout. I then eventually realized that my body felt overworked, so I switched up by prioritizing movement that wasn’t as demanding. I got pretty invested in dancing, started boxing a little less, but have picked up boxing again as of recently. 

In the midst of all of that, I traveled to Siargao for the first time, my dad arrived here, traveled to Palawan with a friend from Los Angeles, helped with a dance festival, and really invested in my social life.

Life was feeling pretty quiet the first 3 months of this year, but I now realize that “quiet” is not equivalent to bad or boring. I realize that lifestyle is moreso what fits this version of me. In fact, I actually posted on Instagram a caption that stated “No caption. I’m just bored. Plz Universe, send some excitement into my life”, and I will probably never do this ever again because the Universe then responded to me by throwing me back into karmic cycles that I had to experience JUST ONE MORE time (fingers fucking crossed.) to fully grasp that this life no longer fits who I am. But, still nonetheless, entertaining now that I am looking back. 

I am now getting down to the wire of returning back to the US - which actually really brings me full circle in this 10 track series, with my first track starting right after I left the US and landed in Vietnam. Which actually - after rereading just now - really brings me full circle. For -

1) the friend that I first told that I was leaving Los Angeles just so happened to be the first friend that came to visit me here in the Philippines. 

2) I also mentioned how I felt compelled to speak and even mention podcasting - I just released my first podcast episode the other day.

3) I talk about the experience of how hard it was to let go of my things during my move out of Los Angeles… I literally just moved out of my apartment - and let me tell you - I did not think twice about getting rid of all the bullshit I accumulated (which actually was not much in the grand scheme of things). In fact, I was more annoyed with myself having accumulated more shit. I’ve become a pro at letting go of things (physically and metaphorically speaker).

The lighter the load, the better.

Which actually brings me to my next point of the starting track being “Bag Lady”. I’ve released a lot of baggage since I’ve left the US. I realize that being at a physical distance from the US helped significantly to let go of so much shit that I had been holding on to. I think that for a long time I had allowed myself to play victim to the pain that I experienced. Not that I am downplaying its justification - it was necessary to allow myself to feel hurt and work through that. But, there’s some saying that I read somewhere about not allowing the pain to overstay its welcome - eventually, you have to let go of that story and rewrite a new one. 

I am now at my point of return (well, almost). I can’t help but feel super sad about leaving Manila (temporarily), but it also goes to show how much I’ve really loved my day-to-day. I know that it will be here waiting for me when I get back, but doesn’t mean that I won’t miss the people any less. 

I’ve been joking with friends that my return to the US is actually my farewell tour - I mean, it really feels that way with all the cities I’ll be in. & in some ways, it really is. I’ll be moving to Manila permanently in November (permanently, for now, but who knows what's to come in the future). I’ve slowly come into acceptance of all the birthdays, weddings, and milestones I’ll miss; the dedication it will take to keep up with the complicated phone call schedule to catch up with friends; the fact that Chicago or Los Angeles are not just a quick trip away; or that my internet connection will not be as strong as it once was - haha joke lang - probably a good thing to practice some patience with the internet speed or force me into disconnection. 

Anyway - I’m glad to have checked in with myself throughout this entire time, and I’m grateful for all of these moments of reflection. I think that I’ll continue to write, but this is the end of side a, catch you on the b side. :)