track 09: dive

Where are we on this fine Sunday evening?

Physically - Sitting at Seven (coffee shop in BGC) - post-shopping and early dinner. Mentally though? I don't even know - in fucking lala land.

It's been a minute since we've heard from you...shall you fill us in on what's been going on since we last heard from nearly 4 months ago?

Umm... just been chillen. Haha, as if that were a suffice enough answer. The easy and simplest answer - I ended up going to Japan in October, and when I returned, I finally settled into the idea that I'd like to officially set up some roots here. I guess I've been going back and forth about it - never really fully committing to the idea of it. I wouldn't allow myself to say it aloud. When people would ask when I was coming back... I'd say, "not sure yet, maybe after the holidays..." knowing damn well that was lie. I've known that I didn't want to return for awhile now. It just took awhile for me to fully accept that reality.

So - when I got back from Japan (which was so needed). I realized that I had been feeling really boxed in at that time. Japan reignited my sense of freedom and exploration. Once I returned back to Manila, I decided to finally make the move and find my own place. I settled in Mandaluyong - but, pretty close to Poblacion that I'm a short walk away from Makati. I actually love my location. I'm walking distance from the gym I've been going to, dozens of coffee shops, restaurants, and bars. Exactly what I wanted - a walkable neighborhood with young people. I can't say Sampaloc was offering the same vibe, haha.

Now looking back, I think that these past few months was really about finding my footing on my own. I think that the time that I spent at my Tita's allowed me to really dive deep into my own healing while having family there to take care of me. I realized that traveling reignited a fire in me for just living. I hadn't noticed that maybe I had been feeling dead inside for awhile. The constant moving, the uncomfortableness in new environments, the struggle to keep up with work, wandering, rest, and health - it kept me busy. When I finally settled into the Philippines and started staying with my Tita Carmen, I felt safe to just decompress. It was where I could re-face my troubles and fears that I knew were never fully left behind in Los Angeles. I knew eventually they would resurface, and I would have to confront them once again - but this time, from a different perspective and a new sense of being. I think this time around it was more about just acceptance, instead of reflecting and trying to discover why or how to improve and change.

Once I moved out and into a new place, it was the beginning of a new era that I didn't realize I had walked into. I busied myself with new cafes, new workout classes, new restaurants, and bars. What schedule was I going to live? What were my new hangout spots? It's been fun discovering that for myself. I think now I'm in the groove of things. I really spent the last couple of months getting a feel for my new life that now I feel like I can make space for more. I needed time to establish a foundation.

The end of the year also called for so much deep reflection. I can't even begin to explain the emotional rollercoaster that December turned out to be. But, I also expected it to be. December has been hard for me for the last few years. And besides, so much has changed for me in 2023 that I knew there would be a lot of grieving going on.

So, what's next for us?

Without getting in too much detail - more establishing roots to be an active participant in my community. What do I mean by that? haha, well...maybe getting my license, opening a bank account, applying for dual citizenship, building a business out here, more networking in the local creative scene, hopefully eventually finding a unique way to give back to the community - just more being a real human being instead of someone just passing through. I know it won't happen overnight, but it's what I'd like to establish this upcoming year.

On a more soulful level - more life. Getting out of my head space and transitioning more into my heart space. Trusting my intuition to lead me to the opportunities and the people meant for me. I'd like to experience just being without overthinking about the outcomes. Manila has provided a feeling of safety for me that has got me feeling a renewed sense of self, and I'm just interested in what type of life this version of me will live through. So much weight has been lifted which has created space for so much more. I don't really know what will fill this new space in me, but I can confidently light the way into that unknown with the ability to navigate myself through that darkness.